I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Randomize
