When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
