I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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