i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
