im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I queefed so loud it echoed.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
