Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
