Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
