i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
