I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
