I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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