Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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