Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
