i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
