just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
