Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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