totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
