I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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