Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
