why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Randomize
