just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
