I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
