I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
