There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
