I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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