I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
