you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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