OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
