Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I'm bleeding and have questions
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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