i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
