Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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