At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
