Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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