And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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