Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
