So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
