im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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