its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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