she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
