remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
