i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives�
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
