hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
