Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Randomize
