apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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