I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
