Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
