also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
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