So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
