I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
We named our party play list daddy issues
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
