"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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