He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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